my vag is so smooth its legendary
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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