My sheets look like a crime scene.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize