I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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