shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
