You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
