you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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