I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
