Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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