Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
