When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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