My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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