Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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