alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
