fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
