i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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