so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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