I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
