so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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