my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
