Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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