fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize