So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize