we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
