...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
