His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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