I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I love having hate sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
