OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
