I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize