You can't special order awesome
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
