Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
