I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
