Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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