I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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