I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
