Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
