I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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