btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
