Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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