I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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