note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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