I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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