How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Houston, we have a blender
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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