At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
