why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
