im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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