There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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