Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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