Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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