my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
