I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
