I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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