I wish my penis had an off switch
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
