I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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