decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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