your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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