I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize