Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
