We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
