i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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