we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
