I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
