I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
