I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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