no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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