All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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